I'm exhausted.
People close to me know me as somewhat sarcastic, sometimes a little cynical. I know when to stop and get serious - the sarcastic and cynical me is just a mechanism to point out to other living things that life can't go the way they want it to.
These days, it's different. I'm cynical, sarcastic, and angry every single day. Every day is a bad day. All small things are getting to my nerves. I want to be alone. I don't want to mingle with people and do small talk. Oh my, I'm close to getting burned out.
I was backtracking when my erratic behavior started, and it seemed that the ignition point was the week before our examinations began. Jobs that weren't mine were thrown to me. That same job I accomplished wasn't credited, and to cap to that - the one responsible about that job shoved all responsibility back to me at the end of the day. I know that it's a scenario often seen in society, but we're talking about adults here (take note, I'm not using the word professional because they don't seem like it). Adults with higher degrees. Higher degrees do not mean higher IQ, though.
That was scenario number 1.
Scenario number 2 was when the responsibility that person relinquished so easily came back haunting ME. Innocent ME had to step up and clean up people's asses. Do I look like somebody who has nothing to do but be responsible?
There are so many scenarios that happened three weeks ago that resulted to my state today. As I would put it, all I see is an ocean of black. The tasks that I usually enjoyed are now hateful. The enjoyment of teaching became boring. Tired is no longer the word to be used here - it's exhausting.
All the while I thought I was working with professionals. Oh boy, how wrong I am. Professionals don't just desert their work for people to clean up. Professionals make sure to inform you if they intend to go somewhere else. Professionals do not come in late. Professionals work closely with other professionals to ensure that their output is with integrity and is something to be proud of.
In short, professionals do not suck.
Thanks to them though, I see the qualities that are not to be emulated. I still uphold the principles, values, and ethics that I have. If they don't see it, fine. If they see it, hopefully they will be ashamed of themselves. You don't want a rookie to be teaching you things you should have known all along, right?
According to an article regarding burnout, it says there to take time off and relax. I'm taking step 1. For this day off, I'm going out, leave the papers on top of my desk, and just let my feet take me. Yes, it takes a great deal from me to walk away from my responsibilities, just even for half the day. And hopefully later, I'm taking step 2 and getting myself back on track to regain my pre-burnout, happy self.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Baptism of Fire
Today marked the first day wherein freshmen of the University of Santo Tomas flocked in hordes to their respective colleges. They were oriented about the University/Faculty/College policies, met with their class advisers, and toured the campus. It's the usual Freshmen Orientation, only now that it was scheduled a week before the official start of classes.
Like them, I am a freshman in the University - a freshman faculty. I spent seven years in the Tigers' Lair for my undergraduate and graduate studies, and now I'm part of the Thomasian faculty. Dream come true? Partly yes.
I am an alumna of the College of Science but I was welcomed in the Faculty of Pharmacy and the Faculty of Engineering. I thought I won't be adjusting too much, but assumptions kill a cat. These are two new worlds. New worlds mean new experiences and new people. New rules. New customs. Even if you don't like what you're seeing, you adjust and you follow.
As an honest individual, I am still adjusting to the new practices of my new world. I attend my meetings. I go to orientations and seminars. I take time out to render hours. I still have a few commitments from my Research Center world, but I know where I should put my foot in.
Welcome freshies! I shall meet you next week.
Like them, I am a freshman in the University - a freshman faculty. I spent seven years in the Tigers' Lair for my undergraduate and graduate studies, and now I'm part of the Thomasian faculty. Dream come true? Partly yes.
I am an alumna of the College of Science but I was welcomed in the Faculty of Pharmacy and the Faculty of Engineering. I thought I won't be adjusting too much, but assumptions kill a cat. These are two new worlds. New worlds mean new experiences and new people. New rules. New customs. Even if you don't like what you're seeing, you adjust and you follow.
As an honest individual, I am still adjusting to the new practices of my new world. I attend my meetings. I go to orientations and seminars. I take time out to render hours. I still have a few commitments from my Research Center world, but I know where I should put my foot in.
Welcome freshies! I shall meet you next week.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Take Risks, Live Life
After bidding adieu to my student life, I once again enter that familiar stage of "earning money."
"Where?" You might ask.
When the year 2014 ushered in I sent out my letters of intent and CV to four different schools. In that one particular school I begged three colleges (well, sort of begged) to open their doors for me. From those four schools I scratched out two, and the two remaining duked it out as to who will get (or entice) me as one of their faculty members.
I chose the other two - and from that school, two colleges remained.
From those two colleges, I chose the one who came first.
It was the first time in years that I had a very difficult dilemma. I wanted to get in this school (because it pays well, that's why). I wanted to get in my dream college, which I got shot down because of reasons that are all moot and bollocks. The two other colleges duked it out as well, but sadly, the one I wished to enter was, as the song would sing (just to make it a little dramatic), 25 minutes too late.
The decision I made was not an easy one. It took me weeks. It took me countless weighings. I listened to all the opinions people had to say. The thought of abandoning everything crossed my mind, and yes, I was stupid enough to try to entertain it.
Why did I choose the other choice? Ask me.
After so much deliberations and thinking with a little twinge of guilt, I wanted to live my life. I wanted to take the risk. People think they know me too much. People I love, yes and I love them too, wanted to make the decisions for me. With so much protection they have given me, I think that I might have lost myself in their protective bubbles. Didn't know which way to go. Didn't know what was the right one for me. And I think to some extent, lost the ability to decide for myself.
A friend once advised: "Make a decision, but don't regret it."
Ask me if I do.
Weeks ago I might say yes.
Now, I don't regret it - because this is a chance to see what I'm worth. What I am.
In both ways I have to adjust - to the system, to the people, to the quirks. I know how to get along with people. I just don't want to be a pushover. This is where the cliche applies: "What people think of you is their business, not yours."
Life is unpredictable. Make some choices - good or bad. Take a risk.
Who knows? Only God knows what the future has in store for us.
"Where?" You might ask.
When the year 2014 ushered in I sent out my letters of intent and CV to four different schools. In that one particular school I begged three colleges (well, sort of begged) to open their doors for me. From those four schools I scratched out two, and the two remaining duked it out as to who will get (or entice) me as one of their faculty members.
I chose the other two - and from that school, two colleges remained.
From those two colleges, I chose the one who came first.
It was the first time in years that I had a very difficult dilemma. I wanted to get in this school (because it pays well, that's why). I wanted to get in my dream college, which I got shot down because of reasons that are all moot and bollocks. The two other colleges duked it out as well, but sadly, the one I wished to enter was, as the song would sing (just to make it a little dramatic), 25 minutes too late.
The decision I made was not an easy one. It took me weeks. It took me countless weighings. I listened to all the opinions people had to say. The thought of abandoning everything crossed my mind, and yes, I was stupid enough to try to entertain it.
Why did I choose the other choice? Ask me.
After so much deliberations and thinking with a little twinge of guilt, I wanted to live my life. I wanted to take the risk. People think they know me too much. People I love, yes and I love them too, wanted to make the decisions for me. With so much protection they have given me, I think that I might have lost myself in their protective bubbles. Didn't know which way to go. Didn't know what was the right one for me. And I think to some extent, lost the ability to decide for myself.
A friend once advised: "Make a decision, but don't regret it."
Ask me if I do.
Weeks ago I might say yes.
Now, I don't regret it - because this is a chance to see what I'm worth. What I am.
In both ways I have to adjust - to the system, to the people, to the quirks. I know how to get along with people. I just don't want to be a pushover. This is where the cliche applies: "What people think of you is their business, not yours."
Life is unpredictable. Make some choices - good or bad. Take a risk.
Who knows? Only God knows what the future has in store for us.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Solemn Investiture
Graduation season has come again.
In the University of Santo Tomas, a renowned pontifical, royal and Catholic University with 400 years of proud history, she sends off her graduates with a Baccalaureate Mass that ends with a bang - pyromusicals, loud merrymaking, and the symbolic passage under the Arch of the Centuries, signifying that one has successfully earned his or her right to be called a Thomasian. I've had the privilege to experience my first Baccalaureate Mass last 2010, when the University conferred my Bachelor's degree in Chemistry.
Last March 21 I once again experienced the Baccalaureate Mass - this time as a graduating Masters student. Truth be told the excitement was no longer the same. The poignant characteristic of the Mass would linger more with the undergraduates, and maybe graduate students who took their degrees outside UST, but not from former alumni. It was fun and you will be proud to tell the world, a Thomasian is here. Excitement wise...maybe I've outgrown it.
Today my beloved alma mater again conferred me another degree - my Master of Science major in Chemistry degree. The Graduate School is very honored to have our Very Reverend Father Rector to confer us our hard-earned - as I may quote - our second/third sheepskin. In the graduation ceremony you can see the prim and proper demeanor of the graduate students: classy and mature. Instead of the tassel being moved from right to left, the academic cap is imposed on the graduate student.
Obtaining this graduate degree was no walk in the park. There were academics whose requirements were too much to handle. I logged in critical hours in the laboratory to finish experiments. I supervised and guided undergraduate students, even though they sometimes cost me my sanity. I cried my lungs out when I failed, more so when people I trust disappointed me. I almost passed out from sleepless nights rushing my manuscript for defense.
There's always something rewarding after every hardship. I aced my academics. I finished and defended my masteral thesis on a benemeritus honor. Most undergraduate students I 'mentored' became real close to my heart. I was able to present my studies orally to my colleagues in national and international meetings. I am afraid to fail, but this graduate student life taught me that in order to succeed, you have to taste failure and start all over again. In the end, everything paid off.
To my mentors - thank you for pushing me beyond my limits, and sometimes stretching my patience. To my students - thank you for letting me guide you, teach you, and be friends with you.
To my parents - my degrees and my medal are for you!
I hang my Masteral academic gown for now. Until my next academic pursuit!
In the University of Santo Tomas, a renowned pontifical, royal and Catholic University with 400 years of proud history, she sends off her graduates with a Baccalaureate Mass that ends with a bang - pyromusicals, loud merrymaking, and the symbolic passage under the Arch of the Centuries, signifying that one has successfully earned his or her right to be called a Thomasian. I've had the privilege to experience my first Baccalaureate Mass last 2010, when the University conferred my Bachelor's degree in Chemistry.
Last March 21 I once again experienced the Baccalaureate Mass - this time as a graduating Masters student. Truth be told the excitement was no longer the same. The poignant characteristic of the Mass would linger more with the undergraduates, and maybe graduate students who took their degrees outside UST, but not from former alumni. It was fun and you will be proud to tell the world, a Thomasian is here. Excitement wise...maybe I've outgrown it.
Today my beloved alma mater again conferred me another degree - my Master of Science major in Chemistry degree. The Graduate School is very honored to have our Very Reverend Father Rector to confer us our hard-earned - as I may quote - our second/third sheepskin. In the graduation ceremony you can see the prim and proper demeanor of the graduate students: classy and mature. Instead of the tassel being moved from right to left, the academic cap is imposed on the graduate student.
Obtaining this graduate degree was no walk in the park. There were academics whose requirements were too much to handle. I logged in critical hours in the laboratory to finish experiments. I supervised and guided undergraduate students, even though they sometimes cost me my sanity. I cried my lungs out when I failed, more so when people I trust disappointed me. I almost passed out from sleepless nights rushing my manuscript for defense.
There's always something rewarding after every hardship. I aced my academics. I finished and defended my masteral thesis on a benemeritus honor. Most undergraduate students I 'mentored' became real close to my heart. I was able to present my studies orally to my colleagues in national and international meetings. I am afraid to fail, but this graduate student life taught me that in order to succeed, you have to taste failure and start all over again. In the end, everything paid off.
To my mentors - thank you for pushing me beyond my limits, and sometimes stretching my patience. To my students - thank you for letting me guide you, teach you, and be friends with you.
To my parents - my degrees and my medal are for you!
I hang my Masteral academic gown for now. Until my next academic pursuit!
Friday, January 3, 2014
The Research Path
Starting things off - I spent my Christmas 2013 sick in bed with the flu. Not fun, considering that I have seriously sore muscles, constricted throat, fever - and the rotten luck of having all the internal medicine doctors out of town for the Yuletide season. Despite all these I managed to clean up my cabinets, throw heaps of junk and uncover past notes from all sorts of conferences/lectures I ever attended.
One such conference was the 2nd Department of Science and Technology - National Science Consortium (DOST-NSC) Scholars' Conference last February 2013, wherein all the DOST scholars gathered together to share updates regarding their theses/dissertations. I happened to take down some of the key points of how to make research 'flourish' in the Philippines, plus my own opinions, which I think do really are essential but would just forever be key points if nobody takes action.
1) Sandwich program students be given a longer time frame to be able to finish even a 'draft'
"Students can go on a sandwich program" - When these words came out of the speaker's mouth, I wanted to throw a fit and directly question their intentions. I have bad history with them regarding sandwich programs, and up to now their decision with my petition does not sit well with me.
Anyway, to build a good research program in a 'progressing' third world country like ours, we still do need help from other countries. That's why we have these yearly conferences and invite them over for them to share their expertise and open collaboration opportunities. Our professors were never stingy when it comes to sharing their connections with their students. These international researchers welcome us with open arms - yet our government has too much demands just for its scholars to get out of the country. Tayo na lang ang hinihintay, tayo pa ang madaming cheche-bureche. Don't talk about time frames, Philippine government, when you don't even have the ass to fund sandwich programs in the first place.
2) Build MS and PhD programs around a research agenda
This how M.Sc. and PhD degrees are done abroad: they start working on the research team's projects, at the same time completing coursework, before joining the mainstream research of the group. In the Philippines, it's another story. Students do coursework for one year before working on their desired theses/dissertations. Add to the bucket the long list of requirements to do before you even start your research. Also add to that list the most important part of a research: the funding. Woe to those students who paid for their own tuition (full time work, part time student) - but lucky are those who are funded by a research adviser who is currently working on a funded project. If not, who are they going to depend on when it comes to their funding? Their own pockets?
For government scholars they are allotted a certain sum to procure their materials; however, they hold back a certain amount as deposit - which I could not understand - and given to the scholar upon finishing the degree. Absurd. Ridiculous. That thesis fund sum is too low for students in the science and technology fields, by the way. Asking for additional funding will just delay everything.
So - building programs around a research agenda? Sounds cool. Allot money for that and then we can all start talking.
3) Build research teams, not individual PhDs
I totally agree with this point, but those PhDs from a certain group graduate, right? And after graduation they do what PhDs are supposed to do - write grants, search for grants, continuetormenting students research and more research. You don't expect your PhD to still stay with you after he/she has gotten the degree, right?
4) Build a feeder system
This just means that you don't wait for applicants - you have to consciously and continuously cultivate talents. Here we have a problem - find a research group that is blessed with funds and grants. That way talents are forever coming in and there's no waiting time.
Oh yeah, grants from the government takes eons before approval. Good luck with that.
There you have it, folks. Some pointers from the government regarding the research track in the Philippines. The funny thing here is, the government is giving pointers that they themselves don't even follow.
One such conference was the 2nd Department of Science and Technology - National Science Consortium (DOST-NSC) Scholars' Conference last February 2013, wherein all the DOST scholars gathered together to share updates regarding their theses/dissertations. I happened to take down some of the key points of how to make research 'flourish' in the Philippines, plus my own opinions, which I think do really are essential but would just forever be key points if nobody takes action.
1) Sandwich program students be given a longer time frame to be able to finish even a 'draft'
"Students can go on a sandwich program" - When these words came out of the speaker's mouth, I wanted to throw a fit and directly question their intentions. I have bad history with them regarding sandwich programs, and up to now their decision with my petition does not sit well with me.
Anyway, to build a good research program in a 'progressing' third world country like ours, we still do need help from other countries. That's why we have these yearly conferences and invite them over for them to share their expertise and open collaboration opportunities. Our professors were never stingy when it comes to sharing their connections with their students. These international researchers welcome us with open arms - yet our government has too much demands just for its scholars to get out of the country. Tayo na lang ang hinihintay, tayo pa ang madaming cheche-bureche. Don't talk about time frames, Philippine government, when you don't even have the ass to fund sandwich programs in the first place.
2) Build MS and PhD programs around a research agenda
This how M.Sc. and PhD degrees are done abroad: they start working on the research team's projects, at the same time completing coursework, before joining the mainstream research of the group. In the Philippines, it's another story. Students do coursework for one year before working on their desired theses/dissertations. Add to the bucket the long list of requirements to do before you even start your research. Also add to that list the most important part of a research: the funding. Woe to those students who paid for their own tuition (full time work, part time student) - but lucky are those who are funded by a research adviser who is currently working on a funded project. If not, who are they going to depend on when it comes to their funding? Their own pockets?
For government scholars they are allotted a certain sum to procure their materials; however, they hold back a certain amount as deposit - which I could not understand - and given to the scholar upon finishing the degree. Absurd. Ridiculous. That thesis fund sum is too low for students in the science and technology fields, by the way. Asking for additional funding will just delay everything.
So - building programs around a research agenda? Sounds cool. Allot money for that and then we can all start talking.
3) Build research teams, not individual PhDs
I totally agree with this point, but those PhDs from a certain group graduate, right? And after graduation they do what PhDs are supposed to do - write grants, search for grants, continue
4) Build a feeder system
This just means that you don't wait for applicants - you have to consciously and continuously cultivate talents. Here we have a problem - find a research group that is blessed with funds and grants. That way talents are forever coming in and there's no waiting time.
Oh yeah, grants from the government takes eons before approval. Good luck with that.
There you have it, folks. Some pointers from the government regarding the research track in the Philippines. The funny thing here is, the government is giving pointers that they themselves don't even follow.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Entry Number 1 - (Another) New Start
I closed my long-standing account in another blogging website because I deemed it to negative and too rant-filled. It's normal - since I mostly wrote the entries back when I was in another country.
So here I am, opening a new one aptly entitled The Logbook - a name I find interesting because of my profession, a chemist and a graduate student on the brink of insanity (read: thesis and manuscript writing).
This blog will be anything about everything - food, journeys, travels, experiments and all that she-bang and a good reason for me to practice and regain my lost flair for writing (about the flair part, I was just kidding).
So here I am, opening a new one aptly entitled The Logbook - a name I find interesting because of my profession, a chemist and a graduate student on the brink of insanity (read: thesis and manuscript writing).
This blog will be anything about everything - food, journeys, travels, experiments and all that she-bang and a good reason for me to practice and regain my lost flair for writing (about the flair part, I was just kidding).
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